Living a fulfilling life while coping with childlessness may not feel straightforward but it is possible. As a children’s book author and illustrator, I don’t have to tell you that I love kids. Being childless is not what I envisioned for my future and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve been sad about not being a Mom.

While feelings come and go, embracing my new-er role as an Aunt has been a transformative place to adjust my posture. If you are a childless Aunt ready or in the midst of embracing your path forward, this is for you – A road map of ideas for coping with childlessness with joy, grace, and humility.

Owning Your Aunt Legacy

The idea that the loved kids in your life are going to give you a nickname that sticks for a lifetime is a little idealized. You may just have to give yourself a nickname – most grandmas are doing it these days!

Ask family members or friends to refer to you as your aunt nickname to help kids learn who you are. You can’t be shy – don’t wait to be included, we must step into it, even if it feels bold and awkward. Own your Aunt title, and beam the day when you hear your niece or nephew say your “name.” Having my nieces and nephew call me by my special name is a healing balm for my coping with childlessness kit.

Let’s talk about t-shirts. Yes, you know the one that say “Cool Aunt Club” or “In My Aunt Era.” One of my favorites is the Rich Auntie Supreme line. Buy yourself that cute crewneck and wear it with your family. It’s FUN. As for me, I decided to make my own.

Expand Your Aunt Outreach

Childless doesn’t mean without children in our lives! We are certainly not limited to the children related by blood only. Do you have a bestie with a child? A neighbor? You might consider getting involved in Sunday school or a Big Brother and Big Sister program in your area. I recently heard about a man serving as a “step-in” grandpa.

Intentionally building relationships with the littles you care about, whose parents are enthusiastic about having you a part of their child’s life can be a place of joy and healing. By the time I’m home from visiting with the littles in my life, I’m too exhausted for self-pity!

Identify Childless Pain Points & Place in your Journey

Your childless coping technique may change as you age. It may be helpful to identify what triggers thoughts of grief or self-pity the most. In my own childless journey, many things that used to trigger me have faded and become landmarks of healing rather than pain points. Seasons change and new triggers can still come up.

Discussion about hospitalizations, births, miscarriages, family size, adoption and fertility might be a signal to excuse yourself from the room, or mute someone completly on social media.

Triggers can be more discrete, like seeing a pregnant woman on a grocery run. I’m often drawn to the clothes section for kids at the stores, but I don’t need to browse and torture myself! Sometimes the best way to cope with childlessness is not to put ourselves in difficult situations.

Plan for Unexpected Grief

If a baby shower makes you too uncomfortable it’s okay to do what’s best for you and RSVP no. Whatever the occasion, if the pain seems too much to bear, it’s OK to bow out. An event like a shower may seem too monumental to miss, but there are ways to support and surprise your friends and family with children.

If grief arises that makes me feel stuck. I get out my phone and look at photos of the kids in my life and I laugh at hilarious videos their parents sent me. I feel the joy of children, a true a gift to us all, and it’s very healing. Sometimes, I have to reach out and ask for the lastest pictures – my friends love being reminded and excited to share.

You can create your own action plan for times when you are triggered or not going to attend a gathering. I think it is helpful to buy gifts for kids in my life in advanced, when I’m in the right mindset.

It may be easy to set a rule to stick to for buying gifts like birthdays or showers. I personally like to give books on birthdays. (Perhaps I’m biased on the books!) Board books and picture books are a safe “off registry” idea for a baby shower too.

How to Handle Questions About Having Kids or Childlessness

Childless aunts may need to prepare for events like showers. You can journal to help you remember what you want or don’t want to share about having kids. Plan a schedule with activites before and after that are healthy for your mind and body.

Some seasons a grief require a bit of guarding. In groups, you can shut down commentary and questions as soon as they come. Do not allow the conversation to begin and if it does, do not let it prolong. Try changing the subject. Talk about a shared interest. Ask about their pets, trips, recent birthday, or event in your town. Share photos.

If you find a certain person is intentionally insensitive or just can’t take a hint I wouldn’t engage. A quippy response, no matter how clever, rarely ever leads to the person being gentle or compassionate around the topic. It is unlikely that it will change their rude behavior and avoid this person the best you can.

Being a Long Distance Aunt

Coping with childlessness can feel harder when Aunting from an distance. But distance doesn’t mean relationships with nieces and nephews can’t be mutally benifical. Long distance relationships can look like giving it your all in the moments with them. It can look like getting on the floor and playing, or getting your hair wet in the pool, these moments are the things kids will remember. 

Sending cards for silly occasions is a great idea. My family members use private apps to share photos of kids and it’s a great way to stay in touch and watch them grow (and of course keeping you and the kids off social media. ;))

If the child doesn’t have a phone, send the parents a video of you wishing the child well on their birthday or first day of school. For older kids or teens offer to edit their college papers or help with a big school project. You could try gifting a book you both can read and talk about together. What shared interests or talents can you connect on and build a relationship around?

Here’s to you Auntie

I know coping with childlessness isn’t a simple journey. Time and time again my grief is transformed by the littles in my life and my hope that aunts and uncles will make an impact with the next generation. Here’s to your amazing childlessness journey.